It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
