Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
