shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
