You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
God I need to hump something, right now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize