You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
