Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
