i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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