You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
