What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
