he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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