I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
