i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
