i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
