is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
