There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
