Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She bit a glass in half.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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