i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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