i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Randomize
