mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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