There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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