I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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