I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
