I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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