Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
