I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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