Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
