I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You did what with his pubic hair?
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