Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
