I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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