my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Drunk is a universal language darling
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
