Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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