Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
two words: eviction party
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize