Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
