Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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