right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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