I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
