I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
