quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
