youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
God, I missed his penis.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
