i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
