Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
