This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
