She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I enjoy the company of your penis
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
