I like my sex mixed with concussions.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
