"it" just moved
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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