I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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