you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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