I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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