i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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