is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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