Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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