RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
