Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
