When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
