He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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