I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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