he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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