WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
